“Oh, are you crying there? C’mon come in front with me.”
I was making some time to be there, to meet the writer of my favorite book. It was the launching of his brand new book. Honestly, I even haven’t read the book, I just bought one right before the event started. But from my opinion, if the author is him, I trust everything inside the book. That the content somehow will give me some spirit to continue life. I need to continue my life, after all.
He mastered the stage cheerfully. Not like the other common book event, he refused to create the serious atmosphere, and sang some Malay songs instead that he actually mentioned on the book. There was various music, the sweet one and the heart-breaking one. Once the latter was being played, he looked around and tried to find some interesting face to come in front of the stage. He might looked for a sad face that instantly remember his/her first love when the song was being played. A face that shall give an interesting story about life.
I am not really sure if my face is that sad. In fact, I was daydreaming when I listened to the music. I wasn’t really sure what I think about at that time, but I didn’t feel sad. Really. I didn’t feel sad but the author actually chose me. I, with no hesitation, came to him. Because why not, it is not everyday I can get noticed by the author I like. Hehe. Maybe it was my teary eyes, I always have such eyes, regardless of what I’m feeling. Maybe along with his experiences interacting with people, he knows I had something interesting to tell.
“Tell us about your first love.”
Whattt? What first love? I stunned for a while. There were like 200 participants on that event. I stood in front of them all. I got no idea what I should say. Mini panic-attack.
At that time, I was in a relationship with someone. But if the question is about first love, definitely I can’t tell everyone about him. He (the someone) was never my first love. I’ve been hurt and loved before I met my boyfriend at that time. Some faces come and go through my mind. It actually got me thinking for a while to decide which person is my first love. Who am I to talk about love, if I wasn’t really sure what love is. Maybe all of the men I ever liked is just a crush. How do we know if someone is in fact our love?
I ended up telling everyone about the cute first crush on the elementary school. He was my senior with 2 year gap. I still remember his name. Nothing happened at that time because I was too shy to even introduce myself to him. Looking at him from a far is definitely enough for me.
“Ah so, I see. So do you know where is he now?”
“Yeah, some days ago I looked for his social media account and found out he already found the one and getting married soon in a few months.”
Not quite an interesting story. I can’t say a lot about this senior-first-crush-I-never-get-noticed.
After I came back to my seat from the stage, I realized that I was lying. After telling the story, I kept thinking and thinking more thoroughly and suddenly a face came up into my mind. I should tell everyone about him instead if the question is first love, not first crush. I know who the real answer if we’re talking about love.
But I can’t.
I can write thousands of words about him, but never publish it. I let it remain a secret between me and myself. Every word is just refusing to get out of my mouth if it is about him. I write it down instead of talking about it so I can never forget that I’m blessed to know him. That life is seems a bit fair because I am given a chance to know him even if maybe I never deserve him. That I always have a reason to make myself a better every time I looked up to him.
About that first love, that we never talk a lot about, but remains beautifully as part of our life’s story.